Some News

Thanks to my parents' model I believed that most people spent their 50's contemplating the faits accomplis of their lives - madly successful children with several alphabetics at the end of their names, careers that hummed along like well-oiled machines, chubby stock porfolios, perfected tennis shots and the prospect of sunset dinners "at the club" - coasting nicely toward a soft landing in some sunbelt city at 62. Maybe some of you guys are there. But around here everybody is still humping it to work, rallying around children who progress like low-flying balloons, sweating over their 401ks and increasingly sobered by the decline of their parents, their marriages and their health. I figured that I had front-loaded my life with the requisite tragedies and challenges one's life must include. I didn't realize that this decade requires not just a second wind, but a third.

And damn those hot flashes anyway.

But.....there is always hope for the melancholy quintegenarian.

So today I will provide some good news - not because I need to brag. But because it's nice to be able to breathe for a while.

Since my kids have been my obsession for 27 years I appropriate their victories and failures. Right now no one is breaking the law, floundering academically or breaking anybody's heart. So, having lowered my standrards years ago, I'm feeling pretty good.

My youngest, Zach, had the best summer of his nerdy indoor little life. We went to Italy in June, where he celebrated his 16th birthday in Rome with a glass of wine in his hand and a rooftop view of the city at night. That's a cultural personal best for any Humphrey (owing to that fact that our idea of traveling usually means a 2-hour drive to the inlaws). Later he spent 3 weeks away from my helicoptering behavior at a local faux-college experience. The only way I could communicate with him was through facebook (he having jumped into a swimming pool with his cell-phone in his britches). So every time I logged on to message him I was treated to pictures of my baby surrounded by packs of, well,....girls! (to the praise of his brothers)... and who knows what those photos imply, hem? I think his aggregate cultural, intellectual, spiritual and social experiences have eclipsed the rest of our tribe. He's now in his junior year, taking "AP/Honors Everything" and deliberating whether to be a microbiologist or a......"hey Mom, wait a minute,....what if I really like English instead?" Jeez.

Next up is John, now a commuting sophomore at Florida Atlantic University. His view of academics is starting to shift from that of "necessary evil" to "interesting." After running the gauntlet of freshman courses at a Florida state institution (and yes, we are still 48th in the nation for high school achievments...followed closely by Arkansas) he is now encountering more sophisticated teaching and is waking up intellectually. He divides the rest of his time living an "ESPN" life - fishing, spearfishing, pick-up basketball. He also makes pit stops to maintain a 6-year relationship with his girlfriend, Ashley. John's ambitions swing between wanting to be a boat captain in the Bahamas and being an accountant...I vote for an accountant who owns a boat.

Last comes Joe, who will be 25 next week. After a huge crash in both his personal and professional lives he has risen like a phoenix out of the ashes. As many of you know, in late Spring he made a decision to radically change his life. He got sober (his blood had been about 80-proof since middle school), quit his soul-sucking job, reconciled with his ex-fiancee, changed his diet/exercise routines and is now resolutely forging new financial habits. And, for those of us in the faith community, he is going to church (thank you, Jesus! Hallelujah! Get out the tambourines!)

In July Joe called me and asked, "What are you doing next Sunday?" which, translated, meant "We want to get married in your backyard next Sunday." He and Katie had tired of just living together and no longer cultivated elaborate wedding/honeymoon fantasies. So, in 7 days our families threw together an intimate wedding for 17 people (insert much scrambling here). The money Katie's dad had originally earmarked for her wedding will fund a honeymoon trip to Scotland in November. On October 18th we are going to have another backyard party for about 100 in the couples' honor (there are many relatives and friends to placate). Our entertainment will be a baby boomer band (in which Katie's dad is the bass player). If you want some cold shrimp, a beer and some Allman Brothers, you're invited.

Girls, I'm a @#$%*& "mother-in-law".

To moderate all this happy news, my health still pretty much sucks. I suffer all the middle-aged cliches and am running up my tab at various doctors' offices. And I suffer greatly because I can't decide who to vote for in November. Remember, where I hang out all "good evangelicals" are supposed to vote for McCain/Palin...but, seriously....I mean, seriously. And then there's Obama/Biden. I will agree with Allison by saying that Obama is an "rockstar" (have you seen Jon Stewart's video putting up Obama like "the Lion King"?). I only hope that his game is half as good as his bullshit. The next presidency is going to be quite a ride for whoever wins. If I had an old 60's fallout shelter out back I'd be tempted to fill it with cash and fritos just in case the Apocalypse is really coming. And so the burden is on me to study and pray instead of just "voting my party". I never liked being a grown-up.

But I take heart. Most of my cognitive faculties remain and I have been blessed to be given another day to live. So I today determine to find somebody to love ferociously and to put some effort into making this world a better place. Carpe diem, girls.

Ms. Incommunicada

Hi, all. So sorry for my silence.  I have been preoccupied with Jackie.  Finally, we have figured out that she has ADHD.  I missed the signs, as did the neuropsychologists who had tested her in the past.  Hopefully, now I can get her the help she needs.  She has lost a lot of ground in some areas, but has more than compensated in others.  Her attitude is good, but academics will continue to be a struggle for her.

In the midst of  worldwide natural and financial disasters, Allison is experiencing her own personal turmoil. I am at a severe loss as to what I can say to help.  I am here for you and will come to SF, if you need to talk with someone.  I can be a good listener.  From the little I observed of him, I could tell Jess was a good person.  Perhaps, there is no one"right" person.  Hopefully, you will meet someone who will give to you as much or more than you give him.  If I may be so bold as to insert my two cents, Allison, you deserve to be nurtured and adored for the truly goodhearted, intelligent and beautiful soul that you are. 

I am serious about the offer to come to SF.

Let's go fellow bloggers. I hope that the rest of you will meander your way through cyberspace and respond to Allison's blog.

Love to all,

Cecilia

 

 

The Empty Nest Looms

Ned applies to college this year, Cornell Engineering early decision, so the empty nest looms. Wish us luck. Daniel is a senior at Skidmore. He will finish a double major in physics and computer science, but has realized he probably should have majored in political science and history, and wants to do it all over again. I told him that was great, but I couldn't pay for it. He is finally realizing that he has been playing against his strengths, which are verbal and writing skills, and he is thinking about law school eventually. However, he may end up working at the college in the information technology department for a year or two after he graduates. He had a great summer working for them full time and loving it, while subletting a wonderful apartment from a Chinese professor. The magical thing is that he is ready for independence. He knows how to do it all now: to find a place to live, to manage a budget, to cook healthy food for himself (and his girlfriend!), to keep his car running, to work on a normal schedule, to get along with people.

Meanwhile, Terry is an empty nester. Terry's younger son Greg has just started at Humboldt State, and older daughter Kyle leaves for junior year abroad in Seville tomorrow morning. Mimi's Nick is loving Parsons and living in what sounds like a great apartment in the east village with a view of trees and a courtyard out his windows. She misses him, which is of course understandable. On the other hand, I enjoy being part of Daniel's life through long phone calls. It is amazing how much more he tells me now that he is far away. As a result, I can't seem to get worked up about the empty nest thing. I think it is partly because I have been empty-nesting every other week since the divorce because I have to share Ned.

This year, I hit the national job market in a serious way, trying to get west to Terry. There are rank open, senior jobs in dispute resolution in at least 5 west coast law schools. I had expected that this would happen eventually, because the field has grown to such a degree that students are demanding the courses. I wrote 4 law review articles during my sabbatical, mostly during the summer, and all of them will appear in print in 2009. So we will see.

Dad is declining. Mom reports that the cancer has advanced and he is coughing blood. I was able to get the boys down there and took everyone to Daytona Beach for some quality time over the summer. I will not bring them down again; they want to remember him healthy. Dad is pretty philosophical about it all. He tells my mom, "Lola, I'm almost 85. I am going to die of something. So I will die from this." I know that life is change and life is subject to suffering. Most of you have been through some version of this with your parents. It is not on my mind all the time in a conscious way. Instead, I find myself confused and unable to concentrate, without really understanding why. I was able to get things done over the summer because Dad was asymptomatic and I was mostly in California with Terry coming home to me every night: the calm before the storm.

I discovered Spirit Rock over the summer. It is an insight meditation retreat in West Marin, and it is a jewel. There were drop-in 2-hour meditation classes on Thursday mornings for women, and on Wednesday mornings for anyone, and an all day retreat I attended on a Saturday. Each class or retreat has sessions for sitting meditation, then walking meditation, and then dharma talks or lectures on Buddhism. If you are at all interested, many of the lectures are freely downloadable podcasts available at www.dharmaseed.org. I have actually been doing a little practice for years. The Dalai Lama has come to Bloomington several times because his late brother lived here (he died Friday), and I have attended his teachings.

At the end of the summer, Terry and I took a week vacation and went hiking, fishing, and swimming in the Emigrant Wilderness and Stanislaus National Forest in the Sierras. We did not camp, but instead rented a cabin and used it as a base for day trips. It was his first real vacation in three years, and it was hugely restorative for both of us.

And Cindy, it appears you were right about John Edwards, but I know you are too kind to gloat. However, I remain committed to his policies. I am working a bit for the Obama campaign on civic engagement issues.

So that is the news. I know Allison and I are checking the blog. All else seems to be silence. Are you out there? How is June for a reunion in Bloomington?

Hurricanes of Life

New Orleans is safe for now. Jim and Jack went to West Point (where Jack still has the family house) and Jim's brother and wife were north of town. It looks like the levys will hold for now. I did all the requisite calls this weekend before I disappeared for two days at Jess' property.

The only tragedy will be if the power stays off for more than a day or two as the meat pies in my freezer will likely ruin the refrigerator (250,000 such victims after Katrina) but that is a small worry comparatively.

The storm of my personal life is much more devastasing unfortunately. Jess has decided to move back to Nevada, where he is from, and I am not invited. He's wanting to "start over" -- with school, his life and whatever. I think there's a lot of other things going on but it's too late for joint counseling and we can't talk very well. We have been agonizing over this for almost a year, and frankly, working on these issues (although not very well apparently) for several years. Russell has already moved into their new place -- he left today. I now have some emphathy with your empty nesters, although I only had five years of bonding.

So, after 20 years, I am alone again...where I seem to always find myself eventually.

We knew at Jazz Fest and had been separated but many of you had not met him and I didn't want you to have a negative first impression of Jess...he's been a big part of my life for 20 years and he's a good person and I still love him very much.

We will stay friends, we are working hard at that, although right now I want to kill him (alternatively, I want him back, I think that's why they call it "heartstrings"). We did have a decent weekend among friends at his property in Mendocino. I have planned a lot travel in the next three months to try and wear myself out.

My first reaction was to start canning things -- I made pickles two weekends ago. Is there some overarching theme that I should be "preserving" things? I bought new dishes and pots and pans to surround myself with new things, new starts. I sure wish I wasn't in my mid 50's right now, but some things must be endured I suppose.

I am hoping to get some good poetry out of this. I'll post some if I can bear it.

So this will be a test to see if any of you are even checking the blog....