Today is the 7th anniversary of the death of our son James. I am really struggling this year, swinging through the high trees on slippery vines of numbness, regret and guilt. The branches I grab for are made up of hope and rationalizations. How does one deal in a healthful way with this kind of thing, even after this amount of time? I dunno. Today and yesterday have been a study in small disappointments and tiny fiascos, each of them not enough to depress me or make me angry, but the sum of them are now making me feel positively postal.
If you guys are the praying kind, now would be a good time to pray for me....so that I don't do something heartless or stupid. Grace seems to be eluding me right now.
The Tuesday before Thanksgiving has pretty much sucked since 2000. But I usually repress the worst and gear up for the usual happy chaos of the holiday with my in-laws. But today I opened a gift sent by one of my sisters-in-law, a bracelet with these words:
"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain, for the former things are passed away.
- Revelation 21:4
And so I wept...with remorse and hope, for myself and my son.
Press into the ones that you love. Ask and give forgiveness. Play fair. And let's finish with as few regrets as possible.
I count all of you among my blessings.
Victoria
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I think I'm not the praying kind and then I sit with my neighbor, Miss Fannie, here in New Orleans and she's had 11 kids (most of whom are coming for thanksgiving). She and I pray to the Virgin Mary to keep those we love safe and to keep us laughing. We put flowers in front of the statute in Fannie's front yard and this week I brought her one of Jen's Haitian angels to hang in her house, because, I told her, she's like my guardian angel here in New Orleans because she watches my house.
All of carry some amount of burden, none so heavy as losing a child. I regret not having any (to keep or lose regardless) but God loves us each in our own unique way, and we have to be thankful for that.
Jess and a friend are power washing the house (making a mess) getting it ready for painting. I am about to get on a conference call because the office won't let me go. But soon, turkey will be cooking, friends will be over, wine will flow and so will laughter. There is always hope. love, a
Victoria, I hope you were surrounded by family and loved ones on Thanksgiving. Your post made me resolve to show my gratitude for mine. Love, Lisa
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