Today is the 7th anniversary of the death of our son James. I am really struggling this year, swinging through the high trees on slippery vines of numbness, regret and guilt. The branches I grab for are made up of hope and rationalizations. How does one deal in a healthful way with this kind of thing, even after this amount of time? I dunno. Today and yesterday have been a study in small disappointments and tiny fiascos, each of them not enough to depress me or make me angry, but the sum of them are now making me feel positively postal.
If you guys are the praying kind, now would be a good time to pray for me....so that I don't do something heartless or stupid. Grace seems to be eluding me right now.
The Tuesday before Thanksgiving has pretty much sucked since 2000. But I usually repress the worst and gear up for the usual happy chaos of the holiday with my in-laws. But today I opened a gift sent by one of my sisters-in-law, a bracelet with these words:
"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain, for the former things are passed away.
- Revelation 21:4
And so I wept...with remorse and hope, for myself and my son.
Press into the ones that you love. Ask and give forgiveness. Play fair. And let's finish with as few regrets as possible.
I count all of you among my blessings.
Victoria
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
HAPPY THANKSGIVING
I wondered if I was missing anything having not been on the blog in a while . I see that Lisa has been very busy; tired just thinking of the sleepover, Japan travel and then up to Terry's. Sounds great though. We will have our dinner her in California with no extended family but Courtney and Kristin will be here. Our big news is that Cathryn's Volleyball team is moving onward toward the State Championship. If they keep winning they will play in the fails in San Jose on Dec 1. Al you will have to make that one!
Sunday, November 18, 2007
New York, Thanksgiving and Korean Soju
I am in New Orleans for the holiday and not back in SF until the 28th. I am somewhat exhausted, even for me, and welcome this respite.
I spent four long and wonderful days in NY, then back for a week, then to Las Vegas for the NAPABA (National Asian Pacific American Bar Assn) and then onto New Orleans.
New York. I arranged the trip because my friend, Judy Butterfield (see http://www.judybutterfield.com/), (who is 17) was performing at the Oak Room at the Algonquin, one of my favorite venues in New York. This was on a Sunday night. Then I found out my friend Joelle (she is French -- a "frog" she always says in her very Parisian accent...more about Joelle later) was also in town that week. She has an apartment in the West Village. So I made appointments with a bunch of clients and arranged some wonderful meals with them to justify the trip and off I went.
Sunday night, I had a table of five, Joelle, Maria Cristina (a shrink originally from Argentina I think, who speaks fluent french among other languages and is a close friend of Joelle's and has been to New Orleans for Mardi Gras), Alison Pearsall (more about her later), and Margaret Clark, my close friend of many years who is a painter and works in the fine jewlery department at Bergdorf's. Judy was a huge hit, the show was wonderful -- this was her second show at the Oak Room. I got to watch the rehersal and talk with "Eddie" who runs the Room and he was talking about her last show.
Afterwards, a bunch of us went to Birdland to see Arturo Farrell and his Afro Cuban Orchestra. We closed that place and Judy and her base player (remember she's 17 and he's 24) still wanted to go out so i was the sport and we stayed out wandering Manhattan until 3 a.m. I don't know how I did that.
The next night I went to an award ceremony for Alison Pearsall who is a third year lawyer at a NY firm...I meet her when she was a first year law student at UW during on campus interviews. I couldn't bring her to Thelen at that time but have been trying to woo her to DWT...through all this, we became friends. She won an award for her pro bono work on behalf of West African women trying to emmigate to escape genital mutilation, mostly for their daughters. Alison's father came in from Paris to see this and she introduced me to him as her "mentor." That felt pretty good.
After that cocktail party and reception, I went to dinner in the old meat packing district, which is now hoity and up scale, with joelle -- my friend and former client. We have a lovely dinner at STK -- not your daddy's steakhouse is how they advertise.
On Tuesday night, I went to see the Receptionist. It's an off broadyway play -- an allegory for Bush's torture program and was effective enough. I think it could have been tighter but it was pretty good.
Wednesday, Margaret and I escaped all and went to a lovely wine bar, small plate restaurant in Union Square.
It was so cold that I bought mittens and a hat so I could walk around...so great.
Then the next week I went to NAPABA -- the Asian Pacific Bar assn annual meeting, and learned to drink Soju with Koreans -- they drink and sing karoke all night. I had made a lot of friends the year before by using many of these folks as local counsel in a big case and so I showed up at the conference because I knew I could get my pay back. We also had a great client dinner so that was fun...and NO SLEEP AGAIN.
Now I am in New Orleans and Jess brought a friend who hadn't been here in a long time so we stayed out listening to live music last night...fun never stops. I'll get some rest in the next couple of days. Weather is perfect here, lovely. I took the dog for a three miles run this morning and it was just great.
Upload photos of your thanksgiving feast...
I spent four long and wonderful days in NY, then back for a week, then to Las Vegas for the NAPABA (National Asian Pacific American Bar Assn) and then onto New Orleans.
New York. I arranged the trip because my friend, Judy Butterfield (see http://www.judybutterfield.com/), (who is 17) was performing at the Oak Room at the Algonquin, one of my favorite venues in New York. This was on a Sunday night. Then I found out my friend Joelle (she is French -- a "frog" she always says in her very Parisian accent...more about Joelle later) was also in town that week. She has an apartment in the West Village. So I made appointments with a bunch of clients and arranged some wonderful meals with them to justify the trip and off I went.
Sunday night, I had a table of five, Joelle, Maria Cristina (a shrink originally from Argentina I think, who speaks fluent french among other languages and is a close friend of Joelle's and has been to New Orleans for Mardi Gras), Alison Pearsall (more about her later), and Margaret Clark, my close friend of many years who is a painter and works in the fine jewlery department at Bergdorf's. Judy was a huge hit, the show was wonderful -- this was her second show at the Oak Room. I got to watch the rehersal and talk with "Eddie" who runs the Room and he was talking about her last show.
Afterwards, a bunch of us went to Birdland to see Arturo Farrell and his Afro Cuban Orchestra. We closed that place and Judy and her base player (remember she's 17 and he's 24) still wanted to go out so i was the sport and we stayed out wandering Manhattan until 3 a.m. I don't know how I did that.
The next night I went to an award ceremony for Alison Pearsall who is a third year lawyer at a NY firm...I meet her when she was a first year law student at UW during on campus interviews. I couldn't bring her to Thelen at that time but have been trying to woo her to DWT...through all this, we became friends. She won an award for her pro bono work on behalf of West African women trying to emmigate to escape genital mutilation, mostly for their daughters. Alison's father came in from Paris to see this and she introduced me to him as her "mentor." That felt pretty good.
After that cocktail party and reception, I went to dinner in the old meat packing district, which is now hoity and up scale, with joelle -- my friend and former client. We have a lovely dinner at STK -- not your daddy's steakhouse is how they advertise.
On Tuesday night, I went to see the Receptionist. It's an off broadyway play -- an allegory for Bush's torture program and was effective enough. I think it could have been tighter but it was pretty good.
Wednesday, Margaret and I escaped all and went to a lovely wine bar, small plate restaurant in Union Square.
It was so cold that I bought mittens and a hat so I could walk around...so great.
Then the next week I went to NAPABA -- the Asian Pacific Bar assn annual meeting, and learned to drink Soju with Koreans -- they drink and sing karoke all night. I had made a lot of friends the year before by using many of these folks as local counsel in a big case and so I showed up at the conference because I knew I could get my pay back. We also had a great client dinner so that was fun...and NO SLEEP AGAIN.
Now I am in New Orleans and Jess brought a friend who hadn't been here in a long time so we stayed out listening to live music last night...fun never stops. I'll get some rest in the next couple of days. Weather is perfect here, lovely. I took the dog for a three miles run this morning and it was just great.
Upload photos of your thanksgiving feast...
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Kids
Another LAN party is in progress. They have all eaten dinner (chicken, pasta with pesto sauce, salad) sitting in the dining room, and making ethnic jokes at each other. Because of the university, the smarter kids tend to be an international group. Tonight, they consist of one Canadian, four US citizens, and two Koreans. There seems to be consensus that Koreans can ace any test except the written driving test. The most affectionate jokes are about the Canadian. One started an Italian club. He is second generation; Ned joined in homage to his grandma Lola. Asians moms generally are strict, so the Koreans are not allowed to spend the night (translation: stay up all night gaming). I have heard great imitations of kids getting reamed out by their moms on the cell phone in some incomprehensible language. Daniel had one friend who would come to LAN parties whose dad was German and mom was Vietnamese. His name was great: Jan Wan Schmimmelman. All three names rhyme with won, as in won ton soup. Jan (pronounced yon) was trilingual. It was fun listening to his mom give him marching orders in Vietnamese, while his dad called him to the car in German.
The group tonight also consists of six boys and one girl. Amanda takes no prisoners. She is my son Ned's girlfriend of almost a year. She is a senior (17); he is a junior (16). She is 5' 1", blonde, blue-eyed, petite and solid muscle. She knows judo. On their first joint visit to my house last December, she proceeded to tell me the story of how, in sixth grade, her body matured early. Some idiot boy tried to touch her where he shouldn't; she responded with judo and broke his nose. The principal said he understood, but that she should try not to break kids' noses next time. Jan tried to put the moves on Amanda last summer, and she threatened to throw him if he did not back off. It was fun to see Ned's smile while Amanda later told me the story; Jan did not stand a chance.
If it is not already perfectly clear, I love and adore Amanda. The tricky thing is to take the kids seriously - they are very, very serious - while trying to help them not hurt each other in the long term. For example, Amanda is a terrific student, but comes from a relatively low income family. They are born and bred Hoosiers. Her dad used to hunt deer and squirrel to lay in a supply of meat for the family every winter. (Did I tell you she has a 22 and is an accomplished hunter?) They raised chickens and bartered with fresh eggs. She is only applying to IU, ostensibly for financial reasons. In-state tuition is less than $8,000 a year, and including room and full board in a double, it is $14,000 to $15,000 a year, and hopefully she will get a big scholarship. In comparison, Skidmore costs $49,000 a year for tuition, room and board.
However, I suspect she is also applying to IU because she is putting herself in a holding pattern while she waits to see where Ned goes. I took both kids to the University of Michigan Admissions office last summer when we picked up Ned from UMich computer camp. They both like it there, but I plan to take Ned east in March to see other schools. My concern is that they will start making compromises to be with each other and then regret it later. Amanda wants to go to medical school and do research on the genetic origins and cures for diseases. Ned wants to do a double major in engineering and architecture; he started describing spherical glass houses with green, alive, energy-generating goo in the walls when he was in elementary school. Lately, they have been building a fuel cell in the basement. They also go to the climbing gym together and scale 45' walls, taking turns belaying each other.
Meanwhile, she and Ned 'worked' the IU-Purdue football game today, called the Old Oaken Bucket game. It is an historic rivalry, and it is the one game that sells out no matter how bad our football team is (and we are amazingly, consistently bad) . The winner gets to take home the Old Oaken Bucket and have a parade. Kids in the high schools act as ticket takers at the gates to raise money for school clubs. Ned and Amanda are in the Science Olympiad, Solar Bike, and Robotics clubs. They have been working both football and basketball games this fall. The Old Oaken Bucket game requires separating hulking jocks from their beer before they enter the stands. Amanda does just fine, but they were both relieved to escape the chaos at halftime.
Mimi and I went walking today - a beautiful fall day. Tonight she is seeing the opera a second time: a new IU production of La Boheme, the precursor of her all-time favorite musical, Rent, both of which have her namesake in the starring role. Her son Nick has a small but named part and is listed in the program. He is amazingly at home on stage and has a tremendous presence. He is now tall (5' 10"?), slim and poised; he leaves for 4 months in NYC on January 5. He will be interning with Chris Benz, a top notch new designer.
Terry came to Bloomington to visit last weekend and let me recover from the Japan trip. We all went to the opera together, and then to Mimi's for champagne afterward. Nick shared portfolios of sketches and photographs of things he has designed, modeled by his closest friend Monica. It is impossible to do his work justice in words, but one was an absolutely stunning, off the shoulders evening gown with a fitted bodice and tiers of ruffles, and made entirely of black plastic garbage bags. I keep telling Mimi that he is the next Julie Taymor, because he can act, do set design, costumes, and I am sure he could direct if given a chance. I do feel a real affinity with Nick; he entirely gets my obsession with NYC.
I will be up late tonight. Amanda will sleep upstairs in Daniel's room. Ned and the other guys will sleep, eventually, in the dormitory in the basement. It is finished, with comfy rugs on top of the tile, and I have enough inflatable mattresses for everyone. I have chicken apple sausages, bagels, eggs, kiwi and strawberries for breakfast (or brunch or lunch - whenever they all wake up). I hope they will all have warm, happy memories of high school parties ten years from now.
What is everyone doing for Thanksgiving? I will be with Terry and his kids in Marin; Daniel is coming to me because he is 21 and can choose. Ned will be with his dad. Ali, are you going to be in SF? I would love to introduce Daniel to you.
The group tonight also consists of six boys and one girl. Amanda takes no prisoners. She is my son Ned's girlfriend of almost a year. She is a senior (17); he is a junior (16). She is 5' 1", blonde, blue-eyed, petite and solid muscle. She knows judo. On their first joint visit to my house last December, she proceeded to tell me the story of how, in sixth grade, her body matured early. Some idiot boy tried to touch her where he shouldn't; she responded with judo and broke his nose. The principal said he understood, but that she should try not to break kids' noses next time. Jan tried to put the moves on Amanda last summer, and she threatened to throw him if he did not back off. It was fun to see Ned's smile while Amanda later told me the story; Jan did not stand a chance.
If it is not already perfectly clear, I love and adore Amanda. The tricky thing is to take the kids seriously - they are very, very serious - while trying to help them not hurt each other in the long term. For example, Amanda is a terrific student, but comes from a relatively low income family. They are born and bred Hoosiers. Her dad used to hunt deer and squirrel to lay in a supply of meat for the family every winter. (Did I tell you she has a 22 and is an accomplished hunter?) They raised chickens and bartered with fresh eggs. She is only applying to IU, ostensibly for financial reasons. In-state tuition is less than $8,000 a year, and including room and full board in a double, it is $14,000 to $15,000 a year, and hopefully she will get a big scholarship. In comparison, Skidmore costs $49,000 a year for tuition, room and board.
However, I suspect she is also applying to IU because she is putting herself in a holding pattern while she waits to see where Ned goes. I took both kids to the University of Michigan Admissions office last summer when we picked up Ned from UMich computer camp. They both like it there, but I plan to take Ned east in March to see other schools. My concern is that they will start making compromises to be with each other and then regret it later. Amanda wants to go to medical school and do research on the genetic origins and cures for diseases. Ned wants to do a double major in engineering and architecture; he started describing spherical glass houses with green, alive, energy-generating goo in the walls when he was in elementary school. Lately, they have been building a fuel cell in the basement. They also go to the climbing gym together and scale 45' walls, taking turns belaying each other.
Meanwhile, she and Ned 'worked' the IU-Purdue football game today, called the Old Oaken Bucket game. It is an historic rivalry, and it is the one game that sells out no matter how bad our football team is (and we are amazingly, consistently bad) . The winner gets to take home the Old Oaken Bucket and have a parade. Kids in the high schools act as ticket takers at the gates to raise money for school clubs. Ned and Amanda are in the Science Olympiad, Solar Bike, and Robotics clubs. They have been working both football and basketball games this fall. The Old Oaken Bucket game requires separating hulking jocks from their beer before they enter the stands. Amanda does just fine, but they were both relieved to escape the chaos at halftime.
Mimi and I went walking today - a beautiful fall day. Tonight she is seeing the opera a second time: a new IU production of La Boheme, the precursor of her all-time favorite musical, Rent, both of which have her namesake in the starring role. Her son Nick has a small but named part and is listed in the program. He is amazingly at home on stage and has a tremendous presence. He is now tall (5' 10"?), slim and poised; he leaves for 4 months in NYC on January 5. He will be interning with Chris Benz, a top notch new designer.
Terry came to Bloomington to visit last weekend and let me recover from the Japan trip. We all went to the opera together, and then to Mimi's for champagne afterward. Nick shared portfolios of sketches and photographs of things he has designed, modeled by his closest friend Monica. It is impossible to do his work justice in words, but one was an absolutely stunning, off the shoulders evening gown with a fitted bodice and tiers of ruffles, and made entirely of black plastic garbage bags. I keep telling Mimi that he is the next Julie Taymor, because he can act, do set design, costumes, and I am sure he could direct if given a chance. I do feel a real affinity with Nick; he entirely gets my obsession with NYC.
I will be up late tonight. Amanda will sleep upstairs in Daniel's room. Ned and the other guys will sleep, eventually, in the dormitory in the basement. It is finished, with comfy rugs on top of the tile, and I have enough inflatable mattresses for everyone. I have chicken apple sausages, bagels, eggs, kiwi and strawberries for breakfast (or brunch or lunch - whenever they all wake up). I hope they will all have warm, happy memories of high school parties ten years from now.
What is everyone doing for Thanksgiving? I will be with Terry and his kids in Marin; Daniel is coming to me because he is 21 and can choose. Ned will be with his dad. Ali, are you going to be in SF? I would love to introduce Daniel to you.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Kitty!!
With apologies to Mimi for scooping her post: Mimi found Kitty Fenstermenster living in Indianapolis! We are in email contact and will try to get together soon. Mimi has been buying Smith College Pecans for decades, and always giving me some, so she is on the Nuts Distribution List, and someone hit reply to all and Kitty showed up. She grew up in Carmel north of Indy, and came home to nurse mom and dad through final illnesses (in their 90s). She married about 8 years ago - a philosophy professor - has 3 grown step-kids, and works at the Department of Labor. To be continued....
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Greetings from Kumamoto, Japan
Hi, kids. I am in Kumamoto, Japan where today I participated in a symposium on alternative dispute resolution. It is my first trip to Japan, though my third to Asia. In 2005 and 2006, I traveled to South Korea. The Koreans flew me to Seoul in business class, which made 13 hours on a plane easy. This time, I flew economy: Indy to Detroit, Detroit to Osaka, and Osaka to Fukuoka, then a 2-hour van ride to Kumamoto. All told, the voyage took 24 hours on the road and awake. The NWA flight to Osaka was 14 hours long. I thought I would be okay because I was in an exit row, but it was right next to the galley and the toilets, and had the only open space on the plane. There were two different tour groups of 20-30 young teen Japanese girls on their way home; they tended to gather on the floor space by my feet and giggle until the flight attendants shooed them away. I didn't sleep, but I had some good conversations about labor conditions at Northwest; the flight attendants took a 40% cut in pay during the reorganization and they refused to sell out the less senior staff by adopting a two-tier system like the pilots did. Meanwhile, Northwest's CEO took no cut at all.
Kumamoto is a medium-sized city on the southernmost island of Japan. The city feels like home except for the fact you can't read the signs. I went shopping in the fancy department store across the street, which is huge, and I had to go up to the fifth floor before I could find anything but western designer clothes. It has a wonderful medieval castle, surreal Japanese gardens, and tomorrow we go visit an active volcano. The Japanese are like the Brits in that they drive on the other side of the street. It is disorienting to make a right turn that is like a left turn in the way it crosses oncoming traffic.
In some ways, I am an old hand at this. The breakfast buffet has western food that looks like it should be familiar but tastes different. It is served room temperature to cold. The eggs are sunnyside up, with the yolks still dark yellow and barely congealed (hey, they are still eggs...). The sausages are a cross between miniature hot dogs and bangers. There is also one of those coffee machines where you press a button for a cappuccino or a latte or whatever. There is Japanese food, but I never seem to want rice for breakfast; I did eat various kinds of fish.
On the other hand, this evening at the banquet, they asked me if I was willing to eat raw horse meat. I declined. Later, when they asked me why, I tried to explain that in America little girls all go crazy over horses from ages 8-12. They read horse books, buy little horse dolls, want to ride horses....They said, "Oh, you mean it is like a pet." I decided not to explain the part about sexual sublimation in the prepubescent female and simply agreed, "Yes, like a pet."
This is a "men first" culture. When I first encountered this in business class on Korean Air, I thought perhaps I was imagining things. I was sitting in the third row or so in the middle on one of those huge, fat jets, and the flight attendants started to serve dinner. They served every single male seated in business class before they would serve me. There was one other woman traveling with her husband; she got served with him. They served men behind me before they came back up to the third row. It happened again here with the hotel and handling luggage, and a female professor explained the "men first" thing. It also happened tonight at dinner. It is odd, because on the one hand, I am a guest in the seat of honor near the dean. On the other, I am irrevocably female from the perspective of the wait staff.
One thing I enjoy is the gift culture. There is much ritual giving of gifts in Asia. Receiving the gifts I have gotten down to a science. The giving part is a complex and subtle thing, so I have not mastered it yet. A gift must go to the highest ranking male in the organization, and it should not be something personal, but rather something symbolic and professional. Also, books and reprints are always appropriate. I brought crystal globes with little stands engraved with the name of the school and university. I have a growing collection of crystal objects adorning various surfaces in my living room: small clocks, paperweights, business card stands with names like Yonsei University and Ewha University.
I actually cried at Ewha. It is the largest women's university in the world: 20,000 women with full graduate programs (law, medicine, doctoral programs) and it dates back to the 1880s. Smith times ten. It is among the top 4 universities in Korea. They kept themselves open throughout WWII and the Japanese occupation; pretty amazing.
Well, I don't want to be a blog hog. Homeward bound Tuesday. Love, Lisa
Kumamoto is a medium-sized city on the southernmost island of Japan. The city feels like home except for the fact you can't read the signs. I went shopping in the fancy department store across the street, which is huge, and I had to go up to the fifth floor before I could find anything but western designer clothes. It has a wonderful medieval castle, surreal Japanese gardens, and tomorrow we go visit an active volcano. The Japanese are like the Brits in that they drive on the other side of the street. It is disorienting to make a right turn that is like a left turn in the way it crosses oncoming traffic.
In some ways, I am an old hand at this. The breakfast buffet has western food that looks like it should be familiar but tastes different. It is served room temperature to cold. The eggs are sunnyside up, with the yolks still dark yellow and barely congealed (hey, they are still eggs...). The sausages are a cross between miniature hot dogs and bangers. There is also one of those coffee machines where you press a button for a cappuccino or a latte or whatever. There is Japanese food, but I never seem to want rice for breakfast; I did eat various kinds of fish.
On the other hand, this evening at the banquet, they asked me if I was willing to eat raw horse meat. I declined. Later, when they asked me why, I tried to explain that in America little girls all go crazy over horses from ages 8-12. They read horse books, buy little horse dolls, want to ride horses....They said, "Oh, you mean it is like a pet." I decided not to explain the part about sexual sublimation in the prepubescent female and simply agreed, "Yes, like a pet."
This is a "men first" culture. When I first encountered this in business class on Korean Air, I thought perhaps I was imagining things. I was sitting in the third row or so in the middle on one of those huge, fat jets, and the flight attendants started to serve dinner. They served every single male seated in business class before they would serve me. There was one other woman traveling with her husband; she got served with him. They served men behind me before they came back up to the third row. It happened again here with the hotel and handling luggage, and a female professor explained the "men first" thing. It also happened tonight at dinner. It is odd, because on the one hand, I am a guest in the seat of honor near the dean. On the other, I am irrevocably female from the perspective of the wait staff.
One thing I enjoy is the gift culture. There is much ritual giving of gifts in Asia. Receiving the gifts I have gotten down to a science. The giving part is a complex and subtle thing, so I have not mastered it yet. A gift must go to the highest ranking male in the organization, and it should not be something personal, but rather something symbolic and professional. Also, books and reprints are always appropriate. I brought crystal globes with little stands engraved with the name of the school and university. I have a growing collection of crystal objects adorning various surfaces in my living room: small clocks, paperweights, business card stands with names like Yonsei University and Ewha University.
I actually cried at Ewha. It is the largest women's university in the world: 20,000 women with full graduate programs (law, medicine, doctoral programs) and it dates back to the 1880s. Smith times ten. It is among the top 4 universities in Korea. They kept themselves open throughout WWII and the Japanese occupation; pretty amazing.
Well, I don't want to be a blog hog. Homeward bound Tuesday. Love, Lisa
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